So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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