i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
