I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
