I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
