woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
