Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
