By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
