I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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