It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
