I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
