Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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