Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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