The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
