im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You pole danced in your parka.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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