i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
