One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
