I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
