also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
