It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
