what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
