new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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