the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
