I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
