no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
