what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
well you can't waste a boner
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
