Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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