hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
