im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
