Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
