I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
