K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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