Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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