I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
