I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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