so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
