Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
