Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
