I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
