I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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