I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
