You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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