woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
ttyl tear gas
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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