Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
