So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
