so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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