Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The beer is more important than you right now.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
