Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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