I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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