i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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