i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
