Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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