I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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