Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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