Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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