I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
