the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
