Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
