Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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