he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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