you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
