I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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