And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
