Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
