I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize