Betty ford says i'm here all night
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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